Psalm 139 (the angry bit)

On Tuesday evening we gathered as a community in our apartment to eat, talk, worship, pray and share together. I made risotto (for the first time), which did taste pretty good, although I succeeded in burning some of it.

Later in the evening we were discussed a couple of Bible passages in groups. Our group was given Psalm 139 to read, reflect on and share any thoughts that came up. It was suggested that we could leave out the tough bit (verses 19 -22), where David clearly gets pretty angry, and focus on the rest of the Psalm.

This meant that I ended up focusing on verses 19-22. God's been talking to me recently about aggression and anger, and that it's an important part of being a man. "Be angry, and do not sin" as Paul says. This is an area that I've always found hard, but God has been working in me and bringing healing to this area. It's been challenging a lot of my assumptions.

So I began to look at these verses - there's some pretty strong stuff. Apparently David "hates them (the wicked) with perfect hatred." I was wondering, "what is it that gets David so angry?" Let's remember: this is in the middle of some beautiful stuff about God's perfect knowledge of us, His always being with us, His forming our beings and His precious thoughts towards us.

Then verse 20 stuck out - (referring to the wicked) "They speak against You wickedly; Your enemies take Your name in vain." It struck me that what seems to get David angry is that these people misrepresent God and His character. It then occurred to me that this is the heart of Jesus' rage at the Pharisees - they speak about God, but totally misrepresent His character and nature. Perhaps this is what gets Jesus so angry in those passages.

David knew God really well - reading through the Psalms you can see the depth of revelation he had. And of course Jesus knew the Father deeply and intimately. Therefore it really mattered to them who people believed God to be. May the same be true of me.

Fling Wide

I was talking with a friend this week, reflecting on the process God has us in at the moment. For both of us, God has been going deep in our hearts, bringing healing and life. For me, this has involved God bringing up memories and bringing healing to them, shining light on areas of my heart I have never noticed before.

As we talked, I was reminded that God told me in January that this process He's taking me through would go very deep, and I'd feel like a bit of a mess in the middle of it. The picture of someone in surgery fits quite well - half way through, things look pretty horrible. But that is an inevitable and vital part of the process.

What is key at this point is to keep placing my before God. In the introduction of 'Celebration of Discipline', Richard Foster writes that point of the disciplines is that we continue to place our hearts before God. It is so easy for me just to go through the motions of prayer, for example, without truly placing my heart before God.

During this process so far, there have definitely been times where I feel like a total mess, and I don't particularly feel like placing my heart before God. It takes a conscious choice against my own comfort. Yet, by God's grace, I'm able to keep placing my heart before Him. For me to be fully alive, for me to be fully abandoned to Jesus, I know there is more God needs to do. I'm convinced the end is worth the process - Jesus, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross.

Before God began this process, I had over a number of months been asking for Him to transform me. One particular album - 'Fling Wide' by Misty Edwards - just so perfectly captured this. Pretty much every time I put it on in the prayer room I got wrecked; it just summed up my heart so well. This week I remembered again that this is truly the cry of my heart, despite what my flesh may feel. I'm determined that I'll come out of the wilderness leaning on my Beloved more fully.

"Fling wide the door to my soul
Open up the door to my heart
Have your way, have your way
Have your way"

Two years on...

On this day two years ago, I had a pretty crazy experience. After flying from London to Chicago, I spent about 3 hours in security, and then got put on the next flight back to London. It was a pretty horrible experience, although now with hindsight it all seems kinda hard to believe it happened, and it seems more like a good story than anything else.

But at the time there were many questions that arose - I was going back for the last 3 months of an internship I was part of, and I was engaged to a girl there. Honestly, that day began the hardest period in my relationship with God so far. So many things in me were shaken, and I had a really hard time believing that God is good. For a number of months I kinda just drifted, and it wasn't really until moving back to Finland, and the BURN tour we did that summer, that things shifted.

Over the past two years, God has shed more and more light on what actually happened, and answered a number of my questions; there are still plenty of 'what if' questions that I may never know the answer to. The most important revelation for me was seeing God's goodness in what happened. I saw in my mind Jesus sat next to me in that waiting room, as I was about to be escorted by border police onto the plane via a police car (I can't help but smile at the thought of that now). As I saw this, I heard Jesus speak to me, words of love and healing.

So for me this story is one of God's goodness in the midst of doubt, confusion and pain. It is a story that will always remind me that God is good, even when it feels like the opposite is true.

About 18 months ago, I wrote a song about this called "I am with you". You can hear it here: http://soundcloud.com/john-allison