Transition

Well, after living 3 of the past 4 years in Finland, I'm planning on moving to Romania in September. While I was there a few weeks ago, God spoke very clearly that this is the next step for me, and this autumn is the time for that step. Honestly I wasn't shocked; though the timing came as a bit of a surprise. I know that this move to Romania, to work with the poor (networks.org.ro), will bring together a number of different things God's been doing with me over the past years - worship and prayer, missional communities, intentional discipleship, and development economics (among other things).

That makes this a time of transition, and it's been pretty interesting so far - lots of communicating and processing. Getting accepted to university here also added to the processing, though it was never gonna change my decision. But God has been good in all of this, and I know that this is an opportunity to get to know Him in new ways and for Him to work in my heart. I'm doing my best to submit to the process.

Tomorrow I'm going back to England for a month, after which I'll have about a month left in Finland. That is a pretty crazy thought, though it hasn't really sunk in yet. I'm anticipating there will be a whole lot more processing (emotional and mental) to do before I head off to Romania, and on one level it will be a sad time - Finland will always be one of my homes, but it's gonna be different now. One challenge already is to be really present here for the remaining time, while I know that in some sense the cloud has already moved, and I must pack up and follow it. 

So, after nearly 4 years of this blog, I've decided to wrap this one up and start a new blog. Right now seems to be a time of transition for me in a number of ways, and I figured the blog could follow suit. It's been funny to look back at stuff I wrote when I first moved to Helsinki back in 2008; so much has changed since then. I think it's good to leave that behind now, and to step into the new things God has for me. Thanks to all who've read my ramblings over the years.

So, you can find the new blog at http://johnswindingroad.blogspot.fi/ (I'll try to actually write something there fairly soon)

Following

Recently one particular idea has been coming up repeatedly, in conversations and in books I'm reading (particularly Bonhoeffer's 'Cost of Discipleship'). In short, it is that discipleship is adherence to Jesus - not to values, principles, ideologies, locations, or people. In following Jesus, I've found that, in many areas, just applying principles or following what others do isn't enough and may lead me down the wrong path. Only in listening to and obeying Jesus can I walk the path He has for me. 

At it's core, the call to follow Jesus is a call to relationship with Jesus. Yet so often I can actually use principles to separate me from a 'dangerous proximity' to Jesus. I can become so invested in plans and strategies that I cut myself off from hearing His voice and simply following Him. For example, by simply adhering to principles relating to money, I can end up missing out on relating to God around the subject of my finances. Because, in the end, God is looking at my heart, at the insecurities and fears that I may be reluctant to let go of. 

Of course, a life lived by following rules, principles and other 'wiser' people sounds much easier and safer. But I know that I'm called to follow Jesus and obey Him above all else.

Small is Beautiful

This week I finished reading a book called "Small is Beautiful - Economics as if People Mattered" by E.F. Schumacher. It's been an amazingly interesting read, particularly as I'm currently applying to study economics here in Helsinki. In the book, the author challenges many of the assumptions upon which modern economics is based, and hence the foundations upon which today's society is built. It was truly refreshing to read, as well as challenging and inspiring. 

There are many passages that are almost prophetic in their picture of the direction things are heading (the book was written in 1973). The author's clear thinking and even basic commonsense challenged many basic assumptions that I picked up in studying economics at school. One such assumption is the idea that endless economic growth equals success, no matter the costs to society. There can therefore never be 'enough'; greed and envy become our gods. The author refers to a quote from John Maynard Keynes (the most influential economist of the 20th century), who anticipated that the day could come when everyone would be rich. However, this day hadn't arrived, and until it did, Keynes had this advice, "For at least another hundred years we must pretend to ourselves and to every one that fair is foul and foul is fair; for foul is useful and fair is not. Avarice and usury and precaution must be our gods for a little longer still. For only they can lead us out of the tunnel of economic necessity into daylight."


Although the author frequently refers to his perspective as 'Buddhist economics', the book most often quoted is the Bible. One passage that really fascinated me was the author's application of the Sermon on the Mount to economics. This clearly goes against all mainstream economics today, yet it gives a picture of sustainability and justice which we are sorely in need of today. 


So, I'm really hoping I get accepted to Uni to study more. Economics seems to be something that God's given me a passion for, and it seems to me that there need to be people who are willing to stand up and go against the flow. 

Psalm 139 (the angry bit)

On Tuesday evening we gathered as a community in our apartment to eat, talk, worship, pray and share together. I made risotto (for the first time), which did taste pretty good, although I succeeded in burning some of it.

Later in the evening we were discussed a couple of Bible passages in groups. Our group was given Psalm 139 to read, reflect on and share any thoughts that came up. It was suggested that we could leave out the tough bit (verses 19 -22), where David clearly gets pretty angry, and focus on the rest of the Psalm.

This meant that I ended up focusing on verses 19-22. God's been talking to me recently about aggression and anger, and that it's an important part of being a man. "Be angry, and do not sin" as Paul says. This is an area that I've always found hard, but God has been working in me and bringing healing to this area. It's been challenging a lot of my assumptions.

So I began to look at these verses - there's some pretty strong stuff. Apparently David "hates them (the wicked) with perfect hatred." I was wondering, "what is it that gets David so angry?" Let's remember: this is in the middle of some beautiful stuff about God's perfect knowledge of us, His always being with us, His forming our beings and His precious thoughts towards us.

Then verse 20 stuck out - (referring to the wicked) "They speak against You wickedly; Your enemies take Your name in vain." It struck me that what seems to get David angry is that these people misrepresent God and His character. It then occurred to me that this is the heart of Jesus' rage at the Pharisees - they speak about God, but totally misrepresent His character and nature. Perhaps this is what gets Jesus so angry in those passages.

David knew God really well - reading through the Psalms you can see the depth of revelation he had. And of course Jesus knew the Father deeply and intimately. Therefore it really mattered to them who people believed God to be. May the same be true of me.

Fling Wide

I was talking with a friend this week, reflecting on the process God has us in at the moment. For both of us, God has been going deep in our hearts, bringing healing and life. For me, this has involved God bringing up memories and bringing healing to them, shining light on areas of my heart I have never noticed before.

As we talked, I was reminded that God told me in January that this process He's taking me through would go very deep, and I'd feel like a bit of a mess in the middle of it. The picture of someone in surgery fits quite well - half way through, things look pretty horrible. But that is an inevitable and vital part of the process.

What is key at this point is to keep placing my before God. In the introduction of 'Celebration of Discipline', Richard Foster writes that point of the disciplines is that we continue to place our hearts before God. It is so easy for me just to go through the motions of prayer, for example, without truly placing my heart before God.

During this process so far, there have definitely been times where I feel like a total mess, and I don't particularly feel like placing my heart before God. It takes a conscious choice against my own comfort. Yet, by God's grace, I'm able to keep placing my heart before Him. For me to be fully alive, for me to be fully abandoned to Jesus, I know there is more God needs to do. I'm convinced the end is worth the process - Jesus, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross.

Before God began this process, I had over a number of months been asking for Him to transform me. One particular album - 'Fling Wide' by Misty Edwards - just so perfectly captured this. Pretty much every time I put it on in the prayer room I got wrecked; it just summed up my heart so well. This week I remembered again that this is truly the cry of my heart, despite what my flesh may feel. I'm determined that I'll come out of the wilderness leaning on my Beloved more fully.

"Fling wide the door to my soul
Open up the door to my heart
Have your way, have your way
Have your way"

Two years on...

On this day two years ago, I had a pretty crazy experience. After flying from London to Chicago, I spent about 3 hours in security, and then got put on the next flight back to London. It was a pretty horrible experience, although now with hindsight it all seems kinda hard to believe it happened, and it seems more like a good story than anything else.

But at the time there were many questions that arose - I was going back for the last 3 months of an internship I was part of, and I was engaged to a girl there. Honestly, that day began the hardest period in my relationship with God so far. So many things in me were shaken, and I had a really hard time believing that God is good. For a number of months I kinda just drifted, and it wasn't really until moving back to Finland, and the BURN tour we did that summer, that things shifted.

Over the past two years, God has shed more and more light on what actually happened, and answered a number of my questions; there are still plenty of 'what if' questions that I may never know the answer to. The most important revelation for me was seeing God's goodness in what happened. I saw in my mind Jesus sat next to me in that waiting room, as I was about to be escorted by border police onto the plane via a police car (I can't help but smile at the thought of that now). As I saw this, I heard Jesus speak to me, words of love and healing.

So for me this story is one of God's goodness in the midst of doubt, confusion and pain. It is a story that will always remind me that God is good, even when it feels like the opposite is true.

About 18 months ago, I wrote a song about this called "I am with you". You can hear it here: http://soundcloud.com/john-allison

2012 so far...

It's been a while since I wrote anything on here. It seems like a lot has been going on so far this year, but when I really think about it, it's hard to say what. Yeah, there have been conferences and meetings, some really inspiring stuff. Then our community in Jakomäki has been getting into some kind of rhythm of life, and I've been trying to work out what it means to lead this community. That's meant lots of learning so far, and I know there's loads more to come.

But I guess mainly the last 6 weeks or so have been dominated by stuff God's been doing in my heart. On January 1, at GearUp (a young adults conference we had here over New Year's), God told me that a process was beginning. From what He said, I knew that this was gonna be some deep stuff - and so far it certainly has. There are things in my heart that God has showed me that I never expected to find. Questions have cut to the core of me that I thought I already had the answer to. And still in all of it I have known God with me, speaking to me, teaching me and healing me.

So I guess I'm looking forward to what this year will bring, and wondering quite where this process will take me...